"Only One?": Service and the Single Girl

When I was young, it was pretty much unheard-of for a woman to go into a restaurant or bar alone. A woman alone, contentedly eating or drinking, was a freak of nature. Fair play for stares and rudeness. Then came the 70s and 80s, and everything had changed: women's jobs, education, access to sports, etc. A brave new world. And yet...

I'm here to tell you that one old world custom has hung in there: when you're female and you venture into a bar or restaurant alone, people are weird about it. At a restaurant, the host or hostess looks behind your shoulder, then back at you. "Only one?" Subtext: why?? After the warm greeting, they rotate their neck 90 degrees to find the smallest, worst table in the house and frog-march you to it. Key locations are right by the front door or kitchen, next to the waitron computer station, or in the middle of the busiest/heaviest flow area of the floor. Even when I'm with my partner it's really not much better, the rule then becoming, treat two women only 25% better than a woman alone.

I worked in restaurants for years and I know at least part of this is women's reputation for bad tipping. I have to say there's some truth in that--at least when women are in groups. Someone finds fault with the server and everyone goes along with being cheap. With groups of men it's just the opposite: for men it's a status/man thing to tip big or they look bad in front of the guys. Of course, sexual harassment may be part of the fun for the waitress at those tables.

But it's not just about tipping. There's just something about the sight of a woman alone, enjoying herself, that freaks people out. We're supposed to be with someone! A man, a screaming child, a gaggle of girlfriends. Not self-reliant, happily reading a book or looking at the ocean, or watching a game, and sipping wine. It unsettles people.

I'd love to hear if men ever experience this, but I doubt it. When I look around at restaurants, single men tend to get nice tables and good service. A man sitting alone at a bar is considered totally normal. He wants to watch the game and grunt and scream at the TV with men he doesn't know! Of course.

Do I have a solution? Change society, I guess. But until then, here's some tips for women, which I try to follow when I'm out by myself:

1. Absolutely REFUSE to be seated at a bad table. Yes, as you approach the bad table and begin to protest, the host/ess will try to insist/convince you sit there, and you'll think, I don't want to cause a scene (women aren't supposed to be confrontational!). At this point you have 3 options:
A) STAND YOUR GROUND and if you see a better, empty, 2-seat table, point to it and say you'd like to sit there. Victory won, enjoy your nice table. If, however, they refuse to seat you there or somewhere else nice
B) Turn around and leave or
C) take the crappy table, get HAD by the host, and lose your self-respect. (He/she already showed their lack of respect for you...so go ahead and join them.)

The last two times I was out alone--both times in NYC-- I got the crappiest-table-for-you-ma'am treatment. The host at a Mexican restaurant on 47th Street wanted to put me by the door (freezing breezes) when the room was empty, and the host at Indian place on the Upper East Side wanted me to get trampled by the Sunday buffet-goers right next to the table. When I refused the arctic table (with a frosty look, I might add) the Mexican restaurant host moved me right away. The Indian host and I...well, that was almost a WWF smackdown. He stood his ground--no, that was the table I could have. So I refused it, and turned to leave, and then suddenly, wait, ma'am! and I was being taken to a nice table far from the buffet. True story.

2. Having secured a decent table, enjoy yourself! I admit, I have to steel myself on the occasions I do this, and after (usually) rude treatment I can start to get into a bad mood. Take a breath, take a sip, and remind yourself what you came there to do: relax and enjoy a meal/drink in your own company.

3. If the service is good, leave a nice tip. If it's bad, leave a lousy one and tell the manager. Tell him/her you frenquently dine alone (even if you don't) and if they are not comfortable with that, you'll take your money elsewhere. Stand up for yourself!

I'd be interested to hear from any guys who have also experienced this treatment. I've just never witnessed it. From what I can see, men expect civility and good service, and they get it.
Women need to start doing the same.